I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My breasts were aching with rage.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
