Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize