if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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