He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
