my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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