LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
