Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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