saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
