Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Randomize
