If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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