anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
