FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
