True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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