new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We are two peas in an std pod
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
