Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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