I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
