I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize