I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
