youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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