is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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