speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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