I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
