in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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