I wish my penis had an off switch
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
