What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
