His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
