I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
