she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
