Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
