I accidentally burped into my bong.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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