my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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