Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
