I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
