Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
