Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize