I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
