how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
