Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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