i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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