last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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