my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
