apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Vodka?
Forever.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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