she woke up with a sticky ear
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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