did you get engaged???
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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