whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
