How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
