Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
