a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
