I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize