Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
