Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
