update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
