the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
