You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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