Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
