I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
