Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
