Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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