I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
