Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize