Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
