Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
